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PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2004 5:51 am 
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King of All PK's
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As the leader of a world renowned guild, famous for killing people in online games, i'm often asked for my opinion on various important subjects. Be it advice on who to vote for in the presidential race, to my views on NAFTA and U.S trade relations with Venezuela. Recently however, the thing ive most been asked about has been the recent controversy surrounding the movie "The Passion of the Christ." As the only guild endorsed and fully supported by Jesus Christ himself, people were curious to hear exactly what we thought of it. We decided to remain silent on the subject, at least until we could view the film in it's entirety, and give an accurate and thorough review.<br><br>

So this past Saturday, i decided to grab Jesus and go to the movies. Jesus was also very curious to see how he was portrayed on screen, so he put aside his usual Saturday plans of booze and womanizing, in order to accompany yours truly. As we were about to leave LV-Town, we ran into Little <a href="http://www.lucid-vision.org/news/lairsig.jpg" target="_new">LAIRANS</a>, who naturally started begging us to let him come along. After about 5 minutes of "C'mon guys... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE." we simply had enough, and had to explain that this movie was R-Rated and simply unsuitable for him to see. The last thing we wanted in LV-Town, was another week of Lairans having nightmares and wetting the bed. It would be just like when he seen that scary scene in the last Harry Potter movie. So we stuck Lairans with Grandpa Pizz, and hopped in the LV <a href="http://www.lucid-vision.org/sigs/mangar.jpg" target="_new">HOOPTY</a>, and off we went to review the film!<br><br>

The thing that bothered both me and Jesus the most about this movie, is the supposed "controversy" surrounding it. If you actually listen to the news, you would be left with the impression that this movie was a largely divisive, racist, and anti-semitic piece of garbage. All the New York papers from the ultra-liberal New York Times, to the more moderate New York Post, have called it that and worse in their respective "reviews" of the film. 60 Minutes has attacked the movie, and so has CNN, Nightline, and every major news organization in our country. If everyone is so united on this front, then surely there has to be some validity to their claims - Right?<br><br>

In a word - <b>No.</b> Like it or not, this movie is historically accurate. Whether you believe the bible or not, history records the general events the exact same way. This *IS* what happened, and that's whats troubling to many. It's nothing more then a symptom of a greater problem in this country, which is that somehow "sensitivity" has replaced "fact" when it comes to anything involving history, or the discussion of historical events. All the media organizations, and even the angry Jewish groups acknowledge that the movie is historically accurate. Their argument is that the movie is anti-semitic *BECAUSE* it's factual. IE: It's insensitive to bring up history that's painful, or that paints a group in a bad light. You can see this manifest even further in our public school system, where teachers can get in trouble for teaching students that White Europeans purchased slaves from African tribal leaders, as opposed to just going over there and capturing them. IE: Purchasing has been omitted in many school districts because it's insensitive.<br><br>

Get the fuck over it you whiny hook-nosed kikes. All this crying is enough to make me wanna strap a bomb-vest on Ruhi and Taranna and send them to the nearest temple. You killed Jesus. It happened over 2000 years ago, it's time to stop crying every time someone brings it up and move on. The Germans don't throw a temper tantrum any time someone brings up Hitler. Take a lesson when it comes to your own peoples "skeletons" and get over it already. No wonder why the Arab's hate you.<br><br>

So how was the actual movie? Well like i said. I brought Jesus with me and we both watched it together. One of the movies failings, is that you really need to go into it with some basic knowledge of the story and characters. Very few of the characters are identified by name or developed, and the viewer is just "assumed" to know who they are, and while myself and of course Jesus did, not everyone will. The movie starts out in the garden, where Jesus is captured and betrayed "With a Kiss" from the worlds most famous backstabber - Judas. What follows tends to feel like one overly long torture session. Jesus is brought before the Jewish High Priests, beaten and mocked, and then brought before the Pilate, who is the Roman Governor. As a historian, i'm pleased with the way in which they portrayed Pilate, and it's one of the areas in which the film really works. The Jews demand that he sentence Jesus to death, because they themselves have no law in which to do so. Pilate is conflicted, but not because of any sensitivity to Jesus - But because he fears for his job. He's already on watch by the Caeser, and was called back to Rome twice(A fact the film makes note of, and gets right) to answer for his actions as Governor, and the last thing he needs is an uprising or any trouble to surface. He's also convinced that Jesus isn't a criminal, but rather just some innocent crazy person. This leads to an appearance by King Herod, and then back to Pilate who attempts to sate the Jews thirst for blood by having Jesus "punished"(Again: All historically accurate so far). What follows is the real meat of the film so to speak, and begins the aformentioned torture session. Without a timer on me, i'd say about 45-50 minutes of the film is nothing more then Jesus being brutally tortured. The punishment is Jesus being very graphically whipped with sticks, but that aint nothing. After the sticks are finished, they break out two 'Cat-O-Nine Tails', with jagged metal shards tied onto each length and then proceed to whip him very graphically in front of his grieving mother <a href="http://www.lucid-vision.org/news/mary.jpg" target="_new">MARY</a> and 2 of his followers. This beating literally lasts for 10 minutes or so, and you see each slash on his body, and see how each metal shard sticks into his skin. One overly graphic shot even has the shards get stuck, and you watch as his flesh is literally ripped from his body. They don't stop until there isn't a single inch of unscarred or unmutilated flesh left on him. From here on in - The movie is really nothing more then a graphic depiction of torture put up on screen. Eventually the crown of thorns gets placed on Jesus's head, and naturally it's done in as graphic a manner as possible. You watch as each thorn punctures his head, and then eventually Jesus is sentenced to death. Jesus then is forced to <a href="http://www.lucid-vision.org/news/christ.jpg" target="_new">CARRY</a> the cross, beaten and scourged all along the way, until he reaches his crucifixion spot. Naturally, more brutality ensues as you watch and hear each nail get slowly pounded into his hands and feet. You even get a nice audible crack as the Romans dislocate Jesus's shoulder to get him to properly fit on the cross. There is very little dialogue during most of this, as it's really just 50 minutes of straight and utter torture.<br><br>

Unlike most critics who generally review it based on whatever their religious background is, me and the J-Man are going to judge this solely as a movie. So what did we think of it? For me.. It certainly lagged in some spots. While the graphic depictions of violence were certainly shocking, they tended to get old after awhile. When you watch a beating for 15 straight minutes, it tended to lose it's effect. Or to put it another way, you start to get used to the violence. What was initially shocking, became bland. When you take into account, that the majority of the movie is nothing more then one big beating - You can see how you would become slightly bored. Jesus seemed to think they spent way too much time on the beatings, and not enough on his message. As he put it while watching it - "Where's the booze? Where's the women? Where's the love?" and he was right. None was to be found. I felt that the flashback and dialogue scenes tended to be the most interesting, and i actually craved more of them. That's not what what Mad Max wanted though, so instead we were treated to more gore then any horror movie we have ever seen in our lives. Me and Jesus were especially dissapointed in the lack of boobs to be found in the film, as not even Satan(Accurately depicted as a Female) showed off any skin. This really made Baby Jesus cry, as after we watched 2 hours of torture, we could have really used some boobage. Hell, even a nipple slip would have been fine. The movie is still watchable, and if you haven't seen it yet... you really should. It's not a bad film, but one which certainly could have been helped with about 5-10 minutes trimmed off, and a little more characterization. Me and Jesus both give it - <b><u>2 Nails Up!</b></u><br><br><br><br>

<i>As always, i can be reached <a href="mailto:mangar@lucid-vision.org">HERE</a> with any comments. Mangar@lucid-vision.org</i>


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:23 pm 
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Altar Boy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:15 am 
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Lucid Vision Officer
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The funny part is that he actually had this shit on hand to post.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 5:03 pm 
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Lucid Vision
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His queerness knows no bounds... Jesus shall smite him.

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